How to Turn a Nightmare into a Source of Hilarity

To turn a nightmare into a source of hilarity, just add Joey.

Both my boys are so clever (said the unbiased mother.) They are frequently making little comments that crack me up. Yesterday was no exception.

Joey is a 16-year-old fly-under-the-radar kind of guy. I’m guessing his favorite super-power would be invisibility. Expressing emotion to Joey means making direct eye contact. If Joey responds to a question with more than a one-word answer, he’s being “chatty.”

So, when Joey speaks, I listen.

I have this recurring “nightmare” in my house. It is, what some may call, an Arizona Room. A previous owner decided to enclose the back patio and turn it into something like a family room plus a small bedroom. Of course, there is no central heating or cooling, so there are very few weeks in the year that either room is comfortable. I poured a cement slab out back then tried to attach a patio cover, but it was suggested to me that the room isn’t up to code…the support beam isn’t big enough. The floor slopes away from the rest of the house because they used the existing patio slab as the base floor.

However, I do like having the extra room.

I have fixed it up little-by-little, over the past few years (before I suspected the code issue.) I started with putting on a new roof then moved on to inside aesthetics. One indoor improvement I made was to hang a curtain rod and curtain on the sliding glass door. It really dressed up the room…until it rained. Every time it rained, the curtain rod fell down. I finally realized the roof was leaking and the drywall was getting wet under the paint. It took 6 months to get the roofing company back out to repair their work. I rehung the curtain. Then it rained again. The curtain rod fell down again. Sigh.

In a desperate effort to keep the door covered through the hot and cold weather, I set a 6′ bookshelf in front of the door, and I balance the curtain rod on top. I continue to call the roofing company to fix the leak and patch the ruined drywall, but nearly a year later, I’m still using a bookshelf to hold up the curtain rod.

Yesterday, I finally got the bright idea to hang the curtain rod again. I figured I could at least have it looking decent while it’s not raining. I recruited Joey to screw in the bracket. He tightened the screws down, but the bracket wouldn’t tighten down. The drywall is too damaged to even hold a small piece of metal.

Totally disappointed and frustrated at the roofing company who, after nearly a year, hasn’t corrected the problems, and the other possibly unresolvable issues with the room, I resigned myself to having a permanent bookshelf in front of the sliding glass door.

Joey removed the dangling bracket from the wall. Then, matching my contempt for the poor construction, and in his most deadpan voice, he announced, “This room is made of mud and sticks…only there are no sticks.”

Thanks to Joey, now I laugh at the nightmare. 🙂

It’s Over!

Well, John. I tried. I went on my second date. Ok, ok. I went to my follow-up appointment with the back doctor. He doesn’t want to see me again. 😦 It was an amiable parting, though.

However, the outcome is the same: No one requesting my presence. No physical contact. No prospects.

Unless someone else slams into my car on the freeway, I suppose there is no chance to rekindle our relationship. It’s probably time to move on. Perhaps a pipe will burst in my house, and I’ll meet a nice plumber. Or my kitchen will catch on fire, and I’ll meet a compassionate fireman. I could try speeding in hopes of meeting someone in law enforcement. I could take my cat to the vet, my car to the mechanic, or my son to the pediatrician.

Or, perhaps, I could return to my wonderfully boring, single life! That seems safest. 🙂

Am I Lying to Myself?

My hairstylist recently made me aware that I may be lying to myself…at least a little bit.

I haven’t dated in quite a few years. My life is very busy with 2 teenagers in marching band, a full-time job, trying to start a job, and dabbling in book promotion. I have been telling myself that I don’t have time to date. Plus, if I did, any time I spend with someone else would be time I could spend with my kids. How could I choose someone else over my children??

Then my hair gets too long and too gray and suddenly I am faced with John, who likes to tell it like it is. He challenged my reasons for not dating. In the midst of the conversation I realized that perhaps the reason I haven’t considered dating in all these years is because I’m a man-hater!! I realized that I’m just downright AFRAID of what type of man I might run in to.

Well, I decided, salon therapy has some value and should be taken seriously. The result is that now I’m looking at the men around me and considering them as potential dates. If I find myself noting only reasons I could never go out with them, then I chastise myself and think about some of their positive attributes. These thoughts are freaking me out!! How could I ever let a man get close to me??

Well, a week passed. I continued to try to train myself to be open to the possibility of dating. Then a couple people I know wanted me to meet this particular guy. I agreed and set up a time.

When I arrived, I had no expectations. Well…to be honest, my expectation was that it would be a brief, uncomfortable meeting, and then it would be over, and I could return to my life as usual.

I was surprised when I first saw him. He was attractive and polite. Younger than I expected. I felt extremely self-conscious, yet I endured. He was intelligent and took interest in me. It was a nice change for me to spend time with someone who wanted to know about me. He touched me in a kind manner, which was surprisingly enjoyable.

Perhaps men aren’t as bad as I made them out to be. Perhaps I WOULD enjoy a personal relationship with one of them.

I’m going to see this one again. Of course, he’s the back specialist I was referred to, so I’ve got another appointment in 3 weeks. Maybe I’ll shave my legs.

Elephant Crossing. Look Out for Road Pumpkins.

I can’t put into words how blessed I feel by the children God has placed in my life. My boys have such a fantastic sense of humor with precision delivery. Joey says something that cracks me up just about every day. Probably the only days he doesn’t make me laugh would be the days I don’t see him. And even then, he might send me a text message that makes snot fly out of my nose.

This morning I was driving Joey to school. We live in a metropolitan area. Paved streets lined with sidewalks, carefully planned landscaping, tract housing where you have to know the house number to find your own house, complex system of electrical wires overhead, and bumper-to-bumper traffic full of single-occupant vehicles. It is rare to see pedestrians as everyone in our part of the city owns 1.3 vehicles per family member. It is also rare to see dirt. Although we live in the desert, the landscape engineers have meticulously camouflaged anything that resembles dirt with colored rock, palm trees, and bougainvillea.

So, as I said, I was driving Joey to school. His school is situated in a neighborhood with horse property. Strangely, amidst the cars, sidewalks, and landscaping, we sometimes see a horse walking along the sidewalk next to the bustling motorists. Today, as I sat at a red light preparing to turn right, I didn’t see a horse, but I saw “evidence” of a horse.

The sidewalk next to us was liberally peppered with horse droppings. Knowing Joey could appreciate this, I pointed it out to him.

In his typical deadpan delivery, he began peppering me with hilarity. As usual, the lack of oxygen to my brain from laughing so hard caused me to forget much of what he said. But the one line that stuck with me was, “Elephant crossing. Look out for road pumpkins.”

Today he is feeling a little under the weather. He stayed home sick yesterday, but went to school today. When I picked him up from school he immediately told me he should have stayed home another day. He wasn’t feeling well at all.

So we worked out the plans for the evening. We all had previously been invited to dinner tonight by some friends. Joey and I decided he would stay home from the dinner, heat up left-overs, and do his homework. Joey also tacked on, “And feel sorry for myself.” 🙂

I texted him while we were out to see how he was doing. His reply, “I’m done with homework and dinner and working on feeling sorry for myself.”

The saying is, Laughter is the best medicine. No wonder I’m never sick!

Dating and the Single Parent

I have tried dating. Either I attract mentally ill guys, or the good ones are taken. Over the past few years I’ve given up. I have found that I have more time for worthwhile pursuits and I’m happier. I play board games with my kids and I’m starting up a nonprofit.

So…I see very little need to date. Sure, it would be nice to have someone who could convince me I’m attractive and worthy of love, but that’s NO REASON to get into a relationship.

In addition, I have so little time with my boys as it is…dating me would be like robbing a hobo. I have only a few more years until they are both grown and out of the nest. Maybe that would be a good time to start the quality man hunt.

Are you a single parent who dates?

Watch For Teen Entering the Roadway

Jess got his driver’s license last week. You may be happy to know that Progressive can now hire a second spokesperson. With the rates I’m paying for a teenager on my policy, you should be seeing some very flashy commercials now.

In all honesty, I am pretty impressed with him! He learned to drive in a city of a few million people. He passed the written test the first time and the driving test the first time. He drives at night, on the freeway, on the highway between Phoenix and Kingman.

I took a lot of flack from other teen parents when they found out I was letting Jess get his learner’s permit. As I stood around a New Year’s Eve party with a bunch of “band parents” they went on and on about how they won’t let their kids start driving until they’re 18. It’s too dangerous.

The harsh reality is, I’m a single parent. None of them were. Due to economic strains, I had to move my family just outside the school boundaries about 3 years ago. I didn’t want to put my kids in a different school because I know how difficult that is, so I’ve been dropping them off and picking them up every day. My current job requires me to be in the office until 7pm. So, I would take my “lunch” break, pick them up, take them home, drive back to work every day.

With Jess driving, he can pick up his brother and get them both home. I can get my work day done in fewer hours. Plus, Jess can get himself to evening band rehearsal without me breaking my neck to be home in time to get him there.

OK. So that’s the selfish reason. The safety reason is this: Jess is a responsible young man, so he’s earned the privilege of driving. If I don’t let him drive until he’s 18, I won’t have much influence over his driving. Right now, he hears me say all the time, “You’re driving a lethal weapon.” He has also gotten talks about how most teenage driving accidents occur with friends in the car. I have to approve anyone he gives a ride to. He is afraid of the punishment that might befall him if he uses his cell phone while driving.

It also doesn’t hurt that I get to choose his vehicle: a 4-cylinder pickup truck with room for 1 passenger!! (The slightly newer version of my first vehicle :cD )

All this to say…I think I made a good decision in letting my son drive. He agrees. He’s LOVING his new-found freedom. I’m excited to see him gaining more independence. I pat him on the back frequently for being such a great kid. secretly, I pat myself too. :c)

 

In God I Trust…or do I??

 

This weekend is family camp for our Boy Scout troop. Jess and I weren’t able to go due to a marching band thing. Joey still wanted to go, which is typical for Joey. He is fearless when it comes to going away without me. They both are. (silent weeping)

The biggest problem I have isn’t that my kids don’t need me as much as they used to, it’s that I can’t protect them when they are out of my sight. I have to trust that the family he rides with is going to drive safely. I have to trust that the other campers will make sure he has enough food to eat, that he is accounted for at all times, that he’s not scared or hurt in any way.

And that is precisely my problem: I am trying to trust other people to watch over him. For a person who has control issues, who feels like she has to do everything herself or it won’t be done right, I am trying to give up that control to other people. That just gives me ulcers, sleepless nights, and gnawed off fingernails.

What I should be doing is trusting God. He has proven his trustworthiness to me every day of my life. He loves my kids more than I do, and he has the capacity to care for them whether they are under my roof or under the stars.

Jess was out-of-town by himself a couple of times this summer. Now Joey. It is happening pretty regularly. I guess I have 2 choices: Trust man or trust God. Well, I would have to give up the sleepless nights, gut-wrenching ulcers, and all-around-hysteria, but I’ll work on trusting God. He hasn’t let me down yet!

The Guiness Book of Ridiculousness

My son, Joey, has a recent edition of the Guinness Book of World Records. One section is devoted to the most expensive things. For example, there is a bed worth $3,000,000. Why so expensive? It’s made out of diamonds!!! Man!! Talk about pressure to make your bed every day! There is a $113,000 men’s suit. Does that go to the dry cleaners or do you have to hire someone to come to your home to clean it? And, what occasion calls for a hundred-grand suit? There is a sculpture that sold at auction for $104,300,000. It’s a 6-foot tall figure of a man walking. It’s black in color and the body is little more than a stick figure. If you’re feeling a little too stressed out from having an excess of money on your hands, you could get a $7,560 spa package. In this package they don’t just use hot rocks to soothe your back muscles, they use DIAMONDS. The item that is ALMOST within my reach (and the most appealing) is a chocolate bar worth $1,441. Well, the chocolate bar is worth 85-cents but the gold leaf inlay drives the cost up.

If a person has so much money that they’re looking for the most ridiculous ways to spend it, perhaps they could consider donating to one or some of the very worthy charities operating in our country. There are many food banks that thrive on donations. Goodwill provides a variety of useful programs in the local communities. A person can find the charity of their choosing if they do the research. 

If these spending maniacs love art so much they are willing to spend a hundred million dollars, maybe supporting art programs in the public schools would be up their alley. I bet they could get some FREE, original artwork that way. If they’re overly stressed, they could try volunteering at a local nonprofit. That has a way of making a person feel better all over.

I do have to hand it to one of the record-holders in the Guinness Book…a wall calendar sold for $30,000. The money spent on the calendar was a donation to a missing person charity. Now that’s the way to spend excess money!

What would you rather own, a $30,000 calendar that assisted an organization in searching for missing loved ones? Or a diamond bed? You do, of course, realize: to display your calendar all you have to do is put a small nail in the wall. To display the $3M bed, the front door needs to open to your bedroom!

Is this thing on??

Thanks, Melanie, for introducing me to blogs!! It’s all new to me, but I’m looking forward to catching on.

Here is my personal rant for the day: sitcoms

Don’t get me wrong…I LOOOOOVE sitcoms. I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld. Frasier totally cracks me up. I was faithful to Friends every Thursday night…until my sons were old enough to notice we had a TV. That’s when the blinders fell off and I noticed the sexual innuendo packed into every episode. I grew up on The Brady Bunch then was lulled into the world of casual sex humor.

What happened to Lucy Ricardo pitching Vitameatavegamin? Or Rob Petrie with a stiff back on his way to Lake Sissy Manoonoo? How about Dr. Robert Hartley attending the High IQ Club dinner and dance as Emily’s guest?  

I miss those clever situations! I love to laugh at sillyness…it runs in my family.